Reading Material If You Can't Sleep

I have debated many, many hours on whether I really do want to share my reflections on what it was ‎like to be a military mom with a son in a war zone. Some of my emotions are very private and I will ‎keep it that way. But....I will share some of my reflections from the past 15 months.

Today I am in a writing mood. I have been grading papers for my online class and this is a therapeutic ‎distraction. Here goes with my thoughts. I never imagined how difficult this would be. I have spent ‎Shane's entire life keeping him safe, taking him to doctors' when he had a sniffle as baby, ‎having lunch during the pre-school years at McDonald's several times a week when we could least afford it so that he could get the "train" happy meal (remember the interlocking trains!), sharing "white chocolate mousse" with him almost every summer afternoon during the middle school ‎years, leaving work early on Thursday's to pick him up from junior high so that I could take him out to ‎eat before the football game, driving two and a half hours to Conway when he was in college to clean ‎his apartment and do his laundry, leaving a dozen messages to the language institute headquarters in ‎California telling them that Shane has not called his mother since he has landed in Oaxaca, Mexico to ‎attend the language institute. (The higher ups managed to find him in his class and told him to call his momma.)

Then, there was that day…..one of the most awful days in my entire ‎life. It was June 4, 2004. That's the day Gary and I drove Shane to the Army Recruiting Station in ‎Conway, Arkansas. As the Army Recruiter was explaining the process and potential dangers to Gary and me I just had to walk ‎out of his office. All I heard were the potential dangers, such as dying or being seriously wounded. Gary and I walked to the parking lot and I just fell to my knees with uncontrollable ‎sobs. Literally. That would be the last day I see Shane until Basic Training graduation. For months I ‎blamed myself. I had been asking Shane "What are you going to do after graduation from UCA?" I ‎started asking him in January. One day at work I received an email from Shane….."Mom, I now know ‎what I am going to do after graduation." The next sentence was "Join the Army." I immediately called Gary at work "You better do something!" My life as Shane's ‎mom has never been the same.‎

I spent many 3:00 a.m. mornings working on care packages (i.e. GNC protein bars, all natural peanut ‎butter, oatmeal, Tazo Zen green tea, etc.), watching CNN (not a good idea!), reading every single thing I could on the Internet ‎about the Army and Iraq, ordering Army books from amazon.com (another bad idea...too many books on PTSD). I became obsessed with news. Then, I became depressed after reading the ‎news. I couldn't stop. Gary kept telling me to quit watching tv but I just wanted to know what was going on. I was certain something bad had happened and every time I heard a car outside, I said ‎a quick prayer "Lord, please don't let that be a green car." Once there was a strange sounding knock on the door at 10:00 p.m. We all know that for fifty-somethings, that's late. Gary and I both immediately made a quick glance at each other and just froze. Neither one of us would get up to answer the door. It was Brent. He walked on in the house.

The news would begin with "Eleven soldiers ‎killed in Iraq." Why couldn't they just wait until they had the names of the soldiers? What good does it ‎do to announce that more soldiers are killed if you don't have any more information than that? Do they ‎not realize what this does to thousands of families? As of March 2008 over 4,000 soldiers have died in ‎Iraq. And…that's just Iraq; I don't know how many in Afghanistan. And, this has been another fear of ‎mine, 30,490 have been wounded as of August 4, 2008. The newscaster would say "Another soldier…." ‎and I wanted to scream "It's not another soldier, that soldier has a name!!!" I would telephone or email some ‎of my military mom friends to find out what they have heard. We all helped each other out with ‎information.‎

I said many prayers thanking God that my oldest son was in a somewhat safe profession. However, he ‎did take his family to India last summer. I began to wonder what I did wrong as a mother.‎

My home phone number was forwarded to my cell phone so that I would never miss a call. Gary and I ‎started getting anxious on Sunday afternoons around 12:30 p.m. because that seemed to be the time ‎Shane would call once every two weeks or once a month.

I found myself making mental negative ‎comments about other people. If someone said "Boy, it's hot outside." I would mentally think "Well, ‎how about 120 degrees?" Or, someone might say "I don't feel well, I don't think I will come in ‎tomorrow." Then, I'm thinking "It must be nice to be able to take sick days…. my son can't." ‎

Standing in line at the Post Office in December to mail my 8 Christmas care packages was just too ‎much. I was fine until I got to the counter and I realized what I was doing. I was mailing stupid dollar ‎Christmas stockings filled with junk to my son for Christmas! I broke down crying and two of the postal ‎clerks at the same time put their hand out to me with Kleenex. ‎

I now cry when I hear the National Anthem and patriotic songs. If I see a car with the bumper sticker "Pray for my Soldier" I say a prayer for that soldier and his/her family. I stare at soldiers at airports wondering where they have been. I have even politely cussed out an airline attendant because he said to an Army soldier in the row in front of me "Go Marines." I felt that was disrespectful and he said "I was just making a joke." I complained to the airline. I guess you could say I'm pretty sensitive now when it comes to respect for our soldiers.

Military moms refer to all this as the "roller coaster." Actually, that's a pretty good description. Shane's ‎date kept changing on when he would come home. I would be so excited and then the date would ‎change. I understand how this happens but gosh, I just wish for once a date would be given and it ‎would really happen on that date!‎

My thoughts about the Army ---- They don't put soldiers in a war zone until they are fully prepared; their preparation is the best in the world; and they do try to give our soldiers some of the comforts of home. They could do a better job, I think, on designing uniforms that are conducive to hot climates. They also need to make some of the comforts of home available to all soldiers, such as, air conditioning ALL of the time and toilets just a little closer to the sleeping areas. Cell phones should be free and calling time should be unlimited. Internet should be widely available at all the bases. I can't complain about the mail. Shane received care packages in 9 or 10 days. Communication to parents was okay. We did receive telephone calls when he made it there and also several phone calls relating to the date he would come home. Even though I complained for over a year, in retrospect, the communication wasn't all that bad.

He is home, happy, and well! Thanks to all of Nana's bread, the Army was well fed. ‎Also, thanks to the hundred or so people that sent Shane birthday cards last October. He had a great ‎birthday because of the caring of other people, some he did not even know. Needless to say, Nana ‎and Papa Jack have LOTS of friends. I'm also thankful that Jess stood by him. He was gone a long time. ‎It would have been so easy to just decide it wasn't worth it. I'm thankful for my faith. That's what got ‎me through. I'm thankful that Gary "understood" and I'm thankful for Brent and his family for keeping me busy! ‎I'm a thankful and blessed mom right now.